Just not right now…

What would we do without our dogs?  Seriously.  My dogs keep me sane – along with all of you who read my blog J.  Ever since the fire, my back has been wrecked.  I have had massages, chiropractic treatments, begun walking again, stretch daily, hot tub regularly… Yesterday morning, after yoga and stretching, I bent slightly and it tweaked.  I fell to the floor sobbing.  Seriously.  The emotional pain is heavy enough – do we really need to add physical pain too? 

Today I am seeing DJ at Evergreen Center for Therapeutic Massage, a practitioner who helped Steve Wilson get back to normal after his back injury.  Hoping, hoping, hoping.  It’s my sacrum – and whatever it is down there, it is holding on for dear life!  Shit howdy.  It gives me even more compassion for chronic pain sufferers like my dear husband and my father who have dealt with back pain for years.

Back pain gives a sense of instability.  I can’t count on my core to hold me.  I can’t stand up straight.  The pain is sharp and stabbing.  I feel older than my years as I hobble around… Hmmm.  So glad there are no metaphorical or metaphysical connections there!

As previously shared, nights are not my favorite.  I start to come unglued after a certain bewitching hour.  When under high levels of stress, the little things are maddening.  There have been so many moments that I have considered hurling my poor Mac across the room due to a frozen screen.  My iPhone shows 3 bars and texts won’t leave my outbox.  Maddening.  I can take info in – until a certain point and then I want to snap or scream.

My coach suggested that perhaps I might have some anger to express – and work through.  Me thinks she is right.  For those of you on my Abundance circle call last night, you witnessed me on the edge.  The questions, normally harmless and always inspirational, were triggering to the max.  What do I want to create?  “What the F-K do you mean?????”  I wanted to scream.  Instead of screaming, I texted my Circle sisters and dropped the f-bomb.  Thanks for hearing me, ladies.

My coach and I explored some of emerging themes from this unrequested transformation.  We talked about my chronic need to be good and nice; to do the right thing; to always use my spiritual tool kit; to create an empowering context.  I am not knocking all of that – but for all you “good girls” out there, you know what I am talking about. 

Many of us become trapped in that persona.  I have so many years of personal development under my belt that I am habituated to look for the gift.  Again, nothing wrong here, except that I may skip over some of the ugly.  My client and friend Sara Nowlin is writing a book called Love Your Ugly.  It’s easy to say, not so easy to do. 

I have always preached the ‘embrace your humanity’ theme.  I have always appreciated rawness, realness and deep feelings.  As I mentioned yesterday, I ended 2011 having great success in my business, but feeling out of gas.  Still driven, still trying to prove something, still trying to get somewhere – exhausted.  My 3 week unplug in the Bahamas was wonderful, but I picked the stress back up a mere week after getting back to work.  I love my work; I have found my expression in coaching other authors to write their books – yet I let running my business run me into the ground. 

And, I thought I was busy before!  Hmmmm.  I didn’t know busy.  Now, in addition to my business, I am running the corporation of “Rebuild our Life”.  My fire survivor friend said it took her 8 months to do her inventory – and that was with a paid assistant.  They called it “Operation Shock and Awe”.  We are now setting up a calendar for my friends to join me in the operation. 

Yesterday, I spent the entire day gathering the contact info for all my neighbors who lost homes so we can meet just us, as a group with our county rep and the community support people.  I talked to Sharon at Mountain Resource Center, Susan at Conifer Area Council, Jonathan at Jefferson Conservation District, Becky at the County Building Department.  I emailed Amy from United Way out of Boulder and Garry the Boulder County official who has been so helpful to the Fourmile Canyon folks.  I talked to neighbors, building the list so we can be informed together.  I explored United Policy Holders, a free resource with insurance information (write that one down, just in case…). 

A pressing need for all of us, besides everything else we need to do, is erosion prevention.  Now that all our ground cover is gone and the trees are dead or dying, we are at risk of our mountainsides sliding down the hill.  This is a big concern – and the beleguered Boulder folks dealt with it last year after a season full of rain.  We need to get stabilization of the soil ASAP. 

Doing yoga, with dogs…
What about having some fun, you ask?  How have I been creating fun?  Well… watching movies at night is a nice release although I fall asleep 20 minutes in, but then can’t fall asleep once in bed.  My dogs are fun.  Tigger stretches with me, actually sitting on me while I am attempting to stretch.  It doesn’t help my routine, but it helps my mood.  Take a break you say?  Hmmmm.  Can’t, I say.  Can’t can’t can’t.  Mom always said, “can’t means you don’t want to…”
It feels like I can’t stop.  There is so much to do.  Yes, I know that the adrenaline that courses through my body isn’t so great.  I stop on the massage table.  I stop when I walk my dogs.  I promise to build in some more fun… soon.
I am seeking more support and help.  We are looking into therapists who specialize in trauma and PTSD.  We will get the help we need.  I will find more ways to access my anger.  I will let myself be with the darkness.  I will love my ugly.  (Thanks Sara.)
We will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes.  But like Andi said yesterday, “just not right now”.

6 Comments
  • Rachel Carlson
    Posted at 16:57h, 17 April Reply

    “just not right now”…..and that too is simply OKAY. Being raw, being genuine, being authentic…that to0 is part of the process. I admire your strength and bravery. HUGE hugs.

    • Kristen Moeller
      Posted at 18:40h, 05 May Reply

      Reading some of the earlier comments today. It helps to see them. Thank you Rachel!

  • Wyatt's World
    Posted at 04:25h, 18 April Reply

    BIG love to you my dear sweet friend…you are in my thoughts everyday. Finally reading all of these posts helps me feel more connected to you and HEAR your beautiful voice. Thank you for your raw authentic shares. Looking forward to embracing you with a big hug one day soon!!!

  • Scott Pantall
    Posted at 07:53h, 19 April Reply

    You seem like you love being an inspiration to others and, believe it or not, when you show that you’re not perfect you’re even more inspirational. Then those of us who read your blog and marvel at the success you’ve had and admire the strength and courage you have to rebuild your life (and blog about it!) can say “If Kristen can have a bad day, then it’s ok for me to have one too.”

    I love Sara’s idea behind “Love Your Ugly”. It’s not an easy thing to learn to do. Thank you for writing about your experience!

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