One woman’s quest to make sense of a nonsensical world after losing her dream home and all her worldly possessions to a raging and sudden wildfire. Exploring the existence of God, our cultural discomfort with grief, what it means to be human as well as life in a 1967 Airstream trailer, Kristen Moeller shares her humanity, her spirit and her dark edge openly for herself as well as for the countless others who beg to be heard in their wild journey through this wacky world.
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Honoring Bill. The Passing of a Great Man.

Posted on: 13 Comments

The leopard print chaise calls to me, out of the fog of memory, from its ashy grave, “Remember me”, it says. “Remember the comfort you used to take as you sat gazing out at your small piece of paradise? When you sat with me, the world made sense. Even if only for a moment. Your life was on a trajectory, heading predictably in the same direction it had been going…”

Following that trajectory was just fine with me.Love this man

Now here I sit in a different chair in a different house but with the same cat and the same woven blanket. The intricate weave of the blanket – golds, reds, rust – gleam in the sun, catching the light, catching my attention. Instead of the caws of crows and the wind in the trees, I hear the drone of traffic and the barking of a neighbors dog. I hold both worlds as, yes, we are now happy here – and yes, I miss my life as it was before.

We are on the eve of more changes. Our beloved sponsor and mentor has died. This man, who was a gift to so many, triumphed over cancer until the very end. There are few men like this one. A giant force of love and light who was an awakening balm to so many and an irritant to a few others. Those who loved him could never understand why people might miss the point with this great man. Yet, as with any leader, he was misunderstood by those whose fears were burned by his light. “Ouch”, they said, avoiding the fact that he was pointing not at them, but at the fear they let run the show.

This man was a force to be reckoned with! Brimming with life, physically strong, tall, handsome, intensely intelligent, carrying the wisdom of the ages, with piercing blue eyes and a gravely voice. He stood for the Truth over and over and over again. If that wasn’t enough, add in his cowboy boots, a neat pony tail, a thick mustache and the best bear hug in the world. He had zero tolerance for anything but our willingness to be the gift. Through his dying days, he was that himself. Yes, he had his human moments but he always chose the light – and he always chose love. He held a high standard for the rest of us – and his thundering message will continue to echo in the ears of those of us willing to listen.

Writing these words already has altered my attitude already. I woke up with heaviness. Missing him dreadfully, wondering how we will go on without this great man – and also missing all that was before. Life has continued to change and much of the landscape of my world no longer looks the same. Friendships have altered, we live packed like sardines in another town, the IRS is still hounding us (since October!), my parents health problems are worsening. Life continues to life. And, where would Bill have me look? Certainly not at my frets and worries. He would say, “Be the gift.” And he would say that sometimes gifts come wrapped in barb wire and we are always whining “I wanted the pony! Wah wah wah!”

So I shift my mind to the gifts that are everywhere and I glance around taking stock. This purring cat on my legs, my sweet husband intently working on a project, a Silver bullet beauty who sits in my driveway, the baby 95 pound puppy who has returned to bed – our bed – as the day hasn’t officially begun for him. My friends who send love via text, the warm cup of coffee at my side, going to our meeting later to meet our people as we all feel this pain and loss and will all show it differently yet will share a moment or two of hearts and minds converging.

Change is inevitable. We can’t go back. Clinging to what was is fruitless. Life will keep life-ing. There is no rug. There is nothing we can actually count on. Each of us is doing the best we can – or at least we are if we can look in the mirror and greet ourselves and claim that.

So today, I will rally myself from my funk and join the world. I will love unabashedly and without reservation and continue to learn from our dear Bill. I will be the gift and rise to the challenge. And I will miss that man until my dying days.

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13 Responses

  1. Thank you for these words that speak Bill into reality. He is honored and was the gift you now bring forth.

    Sending you boundless love….you and your people all.

  2. Jenifer Madson says:

    What a beautiful tribute, thank you for sharing his lessons with us! <3

  3. John Scaglione says:

    Kristen,
    If I were to give you the typical response of “Sorry for your loss” I wouldn’t be a good friend. For as time passes you WILL find that while Bill may not be here physically he is with you in your spirit. You will ALWAYS hear his voice and guidance (you are smiling now because you know it’s true). Your written tribute displays how you’ve enveloped his passion to love and you are following Bills advice by choosing to love him with your words even in his passing.
    Undoubtedly we will miss him but just think how he is enjoying his gift right now.

  4. Larry W says:

    A beautiful woman spreads his word and love. Thank you Kristen for being an important part of Bill’s life.
    I honor Bill with my sobriety just for today

  5. Kristen, thank you for these beautiful words of tribute to Bill.

  6. Jeremy W. says:

    Kristin,
    Thank you so much for this tribute and kind words. This is something I needed to see this morning as my day is getting started. What a truly beautiful way to put this in perspective. I was truly honored to have Bill as my sponsor and the words “Be the gift”, and “Go help someone” are not only stuck in my head forever, but they are in Bill’s voice, and for that I am truly grateful.

  7. Kristen:
    I once had a magical mentor in Paris that decided to change dimension too.
    I definitely relate to what you wrote so beautifully.
    And, I wanted to let you know that since his transition we have had the most beautiful connections from his dimension to my planet Earth here!
    He inspires me to add some of his coaching tools into my programs. He shows me how to let go, grow and “be the gift” like you say so well.
    I know you know you can create this with Bill too.
    And I wish this for you both for it is an amazing gift for all.
    BIG hug, my friend,
    Love and Blessings,
    Your French friend Nathalie (Ekobo)

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