But not right now, again.

Yes, it was a good idea to take a walk with my husband and dogs this morning, however I missed my morning writing.  It is the best way to start the day for me.  By the time this many hours in the day have passed, I have moved through many spaces.  I like the purity of the morning.  I write what’s there to write.  I write what jumps out from the day before.  I write what I need to say – and what I need to have heard.  I am most fresh in the morning.  Now at 3:55pm, I am far from fresh.  I have had laughter, many tears, and some screaming today.
The talented Amy Johnson photographed me at the site today.  I wanted grittier pictures for my professional persona.  Pictures that capture the emerging me – whoever that will be.  Some of the pictures we took today may not make ‘sense’ like me hysterically laughing at my friend Lainie’s jokes while resting my arm on torched and scared wood.  The juxtaposition of the blue Colorado sky, snow on the mountains in the distance, green pines covering hilltops (not mine hilltops, however), blackened concrete, twisted metal and me in a purple dress.  I snarled at the camera quite a lot – even shot it a double fisted bird which felt quite good.  (None directed at Amy, and she knew that).  For many reasons, Lainie was the perfect assistant. 
During a casual conversation on a chance encounter, Lainie and I discovered she had once rented my house.  When asked, I usually say I live in the Conifer area because it is too dull to explain that it’s a Littleton address but actually nowhere near Littleton proper…. We are more boonies than many Conifer addresses and in the Conifer school district.  Blah blah blah.  So, for ease sake, I say “Conifer”.  This time, I said, “well, it’s a Littleton address but…” and she said, “wow, I used to live at a Littleton address but…” And, I said “where?”  It began:  “Off Kueshter”,  “Where?”  “Off Rocky Top Trail”  “Where?” until we realized it was one in the same.  She rented it a few years prior to us buying – and she loved it dearly.
When she pulled in the driveway with my breakfast burrito, I knew I had made the best choice possible in who should be with me today.  No words, she just grabbed me in a bear hug.  I breathed through my tears so my mascara for my photo shoot would not run down my face.  I may want grittier pictures but not that gritty… Then we laughed a lot today.  Lainie is very very funny and she has one of the most infectious laughs around.  We made a great team: me striking a pose, Lainie the lovely assistant, Amy the pro making everything ok.  It was a lovely few hours.
Then off we went to the Airstream to take a few more pics – and my beloved dogs ran off.  On a scent, they were nowhere to be found.  I tromped through the snow in my flip-flops screaming at the top of my lungs.  Amy and Lainie called them too.  We whistled, we yodeled, we pleaded, we yelled.  They had headed toward the vast wilderness where no one lives; where there would be no one to help me find them.  The panic was rising – and, I warn you, I am about to swear here… The fury surfaced: take my fucking house, take my fucking belongings but DO NOT TAKE MY FUCKING DOGS!
Yes, they came back.  Tigger first, panting hard and slobber covering his face.  I hauled him to the car.  Roscoe emerged next.  Thank you, thank you thank you, thank you, said, guns back in my holster.
How can I ensure my dogs safety?  They need to run.  They are used to having space to range – yet encircled by our Invisible Fence.  They are living in so many places right now, on unfamiliar terrain.  They have run off before, not often, but often enough to terrify me.  They have always come back.  I need them to always come back.
They lie exhausted on the rug now.  Not only did they get their walk (on leashes) this morning but they got their walk-about.  Bastards.  And, how I love those bastards.
After that adventure, the slight wind in my sails evaporated.  The lovely Shoshanna French gave me some of her time to vent and wail – and vent and wail I did.  She heard me, she got it, and she held it.  She gave me some spiritual tools to start my day.  She sent me a book on Kindle.  She offered to talk to me next week.  And, I said YES.  Yes to the love, yes to the support, yes to my darkness, yes to my fear, yes to my deep deep deep rage.
Tonight we will attend the Conifer Town Hall meeting with much of the community and hopefully a lot of our neighbors.  We will hear from government officials as well as community resources people.  Most definitely, we will experience many emotions.  From what we have seen so far from our elected officials, they are so busy covering their asses that there has been no satisfaction for the victims.  If you are so inclined, you can read the just released official report from the fire.  In there, the truth of the days leading up to the disaster and all the mistakes made is coming forth.  Yet, the powers that be are glad-handing and protecting their own.  My husband is writing a lot more about that and you can read his blog and see his interview on Channel 7.
It will probably be a good way for me to access some anger when I read the report – and I am not ready yet.  The lack of care, lack of following protocol, blatant disregard for the fire danger – all decisions made by a bureaucrat who lives far far away from any danger – is mind-blowing.
Right now, it’s one thing at a time, one day at a time, one minute at a time.  And, yes, one day we will forgive the a-holes.  But, to quote my dear friend Andi (for the 3rd day in a row), “not right now.”
  • Sara Nowlin
    Posted at 05:26h, 23 April Reply

    I can’t wait to see those pictures. The rawness and the juxtaposition of the laughing, the flipping the bird and the gnarliness of it all. It is all so perfectly expressed. The forgiveness will come as you said, but I am a fan of the not right now which so many people try to jump over too soon. Continue to dwell in whatever is there and continue to give others permission to do the same!

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