As another wildfire rages out of control – WE reach out to YOU

As another wildfire rages out of control near Fort Collins, my heart breaks for those who lost homes and particularly those who lost loved ones.  At 36,930 acres and zero percent containment, this fire is a nasty one.  An ‘act of God’ sparked this blaze in the form of a random lightning bolt.  Extreme dryness coupled with high winds is the perfect breeding ground for fire.  I didn’t sleep well, thoughts of these poor folks filling my mind, knowing some of what they are experiencing, only imagining more.  Tossing and turning throughout the night, I thought of what I want to say to them and those who love them.  I wish I could shield them from the inevitable roller coaster ride that results from life chewing us up and spitting us out.   Here is what I want to say:

To those affected by the High Park Fire – those who have lost loved ones, animals and homes, or still wonder what you lost as you attempt to gather the fragments of information that are beginning to surface – our thoughts are with you.
There are no words that are adequate.  I am sorry.  It sucks.  It’s horrific.  It’s all of that and more.  You are in the midst of it – with this fire still raging out of control and no end in site.  Many of you don’t know the status of your homes, property or animals you either couldn’t return for or were forced to leave behind.  We feel your pain.  We know the anguish. We wince as we read the news, see the pictures and smell the smoke that drifts even as far south as we are.  We understand.  We were there – and now we are further down this life-altering path.  We aren’t far enough along to have forgotten anything – and truthfully – none of us will ever forget.  We will remember that day forever.  We will remember the sounds, smells and how it felt.  The moments of evacuation – or of being unable to return to collect any belongings – will be etched in our minds forever.  The terror, the bewilderment, the not knowing, then the knowing, we remember it all.  We wish you didn’t have to go through any of this.
You have joined a club that you never wanted to join.  Your roller coaster ride has just begun – and won’t be over for a while.  We are still on ours.  After the smoke clears and the dust settles a bit, you will still be riding the ride.  You will be dealing with your insurance companies and learning details you never ever wanted to know.  You will be asked to walk from room to room in your mind to make lists of everything you ever owned.  You will be tired – and you will get more tired.  You will wonder if you can continue on.  You will question everything.  You will wonder why, is there a God, what did you do wrong, how could this happen?  You will not want to believe it.  You will begin the mourning process.  Hopefully, you will rally together as neighbors to support each other and realize you aren’t alone.  You will understand each other, as no one else really will.  You will embrace those who were strangers previously and they will become something deeper than friends.  You will be grateful to be alive but pissed beyond belief.
I hope you can let yourself have all of it, be all of it, and experience all of it.  There is no “right” way to walk through this.  Some of you will pop up more quickly, returning to life and moving on in ways – yet never forgetting.  Others will take longer.  Some will choose to close a chapter of your life, move to the city, or somewhere else.  Others will have no idea what direction to go.  I hope you can let yourself have whatever reactions you have and feel whatever emotions you experience.  You may be terrified, angry, depressed, devastated, detached, or dejected.  You may be all of those things in a 15-minute period.  Some days you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, and others it will be black as night.  Let it be.  Let yourself be.
The land will take a while to heal – can you let yourself take as long?
I speak to those whose hearts take longer to heal.  Let it take what it takes.  Don’t try to rush through it.  Don’t compare yourself to how someone else is doing.  Don’t judge or make yourself wrong for anything.  Surround yourself with people who will let you be however and whoever you need to be.  Don’t waste your time with those who don’t get it.  Life is too short for that.
Some more suggestions:
1.     Don’t make any rash decisions – you will be raw for a while.  Save the major decisions for a little further down the path.  Give yourself a little time to breathe.
2.     Get support – both professional and personal.  Allow your community to support you.  Take advantage of resources that are offered.  Seek counseling.  There is nothing wrong with needing help.
3.     Make lists of everything.  Carry a notebook everywhere you go.  Write down thoughts you have, things to-do, anything that comes to mind.  Write down all the people who offer to assist.  Many people will offer many things in the beginning and you will NOT remember who said what.  You will continue to need things, support, time and maybe even money later on.  You probably won’t want a lot right away.  Don’t turn people away – write it down so you can revisit later.  Tell them you will get back to them at some point.  And then do that.
4.     Pace yourself.  You will be quite tired in a way you have never experienced before.  There is nothing wrong with you – your system is in overload.  This is normal.
5.     Try to sleep.  This is a tough one – but rest when you can.
6.     Attempt to settle as soon as possible in a place where you can unwind.  If you are truly comfortable in a friend’s spare bedroom, this is fine but often no matter how lovely our friends are, eventually you will need your own space.
7.     Find an outlet – whether it is exercise, going to movies, reading – or like for me – writing.  I started writing 6 days after our fire and haven’t stopped since.  Sixty-thousand words later, I still have more to say.  If this is your thing, let yourself do it.  Get the thoughts out there.  Share your pain.  I promise, it helps.
8.     Expect that people in their well-meaning ways will say a lot of tings that don’t seem so supportive.  Give this list to your friends if it helps.  Bring humor (when you are ready) to deal with the silly things that come out of people’s mouths.  Some of those will be:
a.     “Well at least you _______ (fill in the blank).”  At least you got out alive, at least you got your dogs, at least you have your health….  Just breathe when someone begins a sentence this way and move on.  You will hear it a lot.  It is annoying – and it will keep happening.   (I have blogged extensively on this one in particular so you can read more about that at Look at June 11th’s entry.
b.     “Well you had insurance, didn’t you?”  This question can leave you feeling that the asker has no concept of the magnanimity of what you are now dealing with.  And they don’t.  They can’t.  Unless someone has gone though this, they have no idea.  It’s not like a fender bender where you can put your house in the shop and come back to find it good as new.
c.      “It must be so freeing to not have any stuff.” Or some variation of this…  I was told I would hear this – and I have, multiple times.  Often, it comes in the form of musings that seem to occur in front of you.  People are attempting to look for the silver lining.  Kindly ask them not to do that right now, for you.  You will find your own silver lining in your own damn time.  You do not need to be told.  And, no, it isn’t really that freeing.
d.     The question, “How are you?”  This is a tough one.  It’s what we humans ask each other all the time and most of the time, we don’t really mean it and certainly don’t want to know.  I have asked my people to skip this question entirely and get right to the point.
The truth is people don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to help – and most people genuinely want to contribute something.  Mostly they mean all the above with kindness in their heart, it’s just that they can be clueless at times.  Have people with whom you can really unwind and let go.  Bitch about what you need to bitch about.  Vent when you need to.  Scream, yell and cry at whim.
9.     Say YES to support. And, keep saying yes, over and over and over again.  You will need help.  You will want help, even if you don’t want it now.  Mostly, let people love you.  Let them contribute to you.  They really really want to.
Just as those who walked through previous fires have been (and still are) there for us, we are here for you.  Reach out if you want, we will answer.  We want you to know that one day, you will smile again.  Just not right now.
With love in my heart, tears in my eyes and sadness in my soul,
Kristen Moeller
North Fork Fire, March 26th 2012
  • Kim
    Posted at 02:36h, 13 June

    I sit here completely amazed by your powerful words and the breath you just gave to those in such hardship. As I read this, I kept thinking of the folks in the North Fork fire and now, this Fort Collins monster. Your writing is powerful and your gift is abundant. I want to share your information with others in the North Fork fire aftermath, if they haven’t found you yet. You have something most important to share and the way you convey it is awesome! Thank you for what you do. I just happened on you through my cousin, Julie Towers. Keep up the good work!
    Kim 🙂

  • Kristen Moeller
    Posted at 20:15h, 13 June

    Thank you!!!!!! I would love to have your help in spreading the word. I write for myself – and I write for all of those who struggle, after fires but also after devastating life events. I write the darkness and how it’s just not always pretty – cause it’s not!!! Thanks for reading and for reaching out.

    Looks like I will be on Fox news tonight to discuss this too.

    • Kim
      Posted at 16:12h, 14 June

      I’m bummed I wasn’t home to watch! I have some friends with friends who have been displaced in Ft. Collins. I am passing on your info…knowing it will truly help them. I’m very excited to get your book as I was just notified that it has been shipped! I’m giving it to my daughter first…then I will read it! Hang in there as I suspect you’re going to be very busy! Let me know if there is anything we can do, too. I forgot to tell you earlier…I live in Deer Creek Canyon! I’m practically your neighbor! Perhaps we’ll meet some time! Take care, Kim 🙂 Thanks again for what you’re doing

    • Kristen Moeller
      Posted at 01:11h, 21 June

      Thank you Kim. I sooooo appreciate your reading and your support.

  • Andrea Montoya
    Posted at 05:56h, 14 June

    Kristen, do you know how I can get in touch with the people who have lost their homes? I want to offer them massage. I am a massage therapist. Your blog is wonderful.

    • Kristen Moeller
      Posted at 01:14h, 21 June

      Hi Andrea! I don’t know yet. I am hoping to find out myself. Possibly, call the Red Cross in the area. Our Mountain Resource Center in Conifer has been our place for centrallized info. I am sure the High Park area will have something similar. Keep me posted as to what you find out. Thanks!

  • erica
    Posted at 18:41h, 27 June

    Kristen, I have been reading some of your blog posts and I’m just sick for all of you North Fork fire people. My parents bought land at Kuehster and Elk Ridge Rd when I was about 7 and they finally built their dream home there when I was in 8th grade. I grew up up there playing on the rocks, exploring the woods and riding my horses up and down the roads. My parents sold the house they built about 10ish years ago, but it will always be HOME to me. We had to evacuate twice when we lived up there. I remember the absolute panic we felt during the Buffalo Creek fire. We could see the flames and we had A TON of animals to evacuate too (horses, llamas, goats, rabbits, ducks, dogs, cats, etc). Luckily we had lots of friends with horse trailers that came to help. Nothing is scarier. The Lower North Fork fire made/makes me sick. Such a beautiful area with people who really APPRECIATE the land, the wildlife, the beauty. Our old house survived the fire, but most of the houses on our road (Elk Ridge) were destroyed. I drove up there a few weeks ago and was just horrified to see it in person. My thoughts and prayers are will all of you guys as you navigate the aftermath. Love your blog 🙂