13 Aug When Grief Throws You a Curveball
I was sailing along with my sadness, honoring my grief process and doing “pretty well”. I was out there living my life, making friends in our glorious little town, still the new kid on the block, but settling in. I was slowing my system down after being revved way too high for too long. I was studying Buddhism and meditation on being ok (ha!) with impermanence. I was hiking a lot and enjoying the best time of year in Colorado. Yet, what they don’t tell you about the grief process is one day, the bottom will fall out. Something will happen and your world will rock further on its axis. And this time, you might not feel you can right it.
This happened after I walked innocently into my local ATT store to get a new power cord and happened to mention my cell signal challenges and the clerk happened to mention that maybe it was my SIM card and she could swap it out “no problem”. So swap it, she did.
Later, after being prompted five or so times to reenter my voicemail passcode, I thought to check my messages. I noticed my visual voicemails were not there. Not alarmed at first, I rebooted the phone and there they were. There they were, except for any messages from before July. I panicked. I had messages going back to November—from mom, from Denise. Messages I curled up with when I missed them most. Messages I cherished. Messages that left me with some sense of their presence. They were all gone. All gone. All. Gone.
David rushed us back to ATT to retrieve the old SIM card which the clerk said had been wiped clean. Sobs coming with each breath, we rushed home to my computer where I had a vague recollection of seeing voicemails backed up in the past. No such luck. After an hour call with Apple, a software download to retrieve lost files, I was still SOL.
The terror that I would never hear those voices again began to suck me under. Wracking sobs choked my breath. Raw grief arrived like a freight train, as strong as the day I got the news about mom but this time without the benefit of numbing shock. All my tools went out the window, I was drowning in devastation, utter emptiness. I wondered if I would ever care about anything again.
I’ve not been avoiding grief. I sob in the car when I am alone and shed a few tears here and there. I reach out and pat photos of mom, Denise and Dane. I study their bright blue eyes, their smiles. I press my face against my mother’s paintings, longing for heat but feeling only one-dimensional coldness. I went back to therapy and seem to be doing what I am supposed to be doing. Yet that day, I crumbled and wasn’t sure I would stand back up. I felt the darkness closing in, sucking the life from me, wanting only to obliterate, self-destruct—anything to not feel the pain. Thoughts raced—run far away, hide somewhere dark, drive fast, cut deep into my skin to stop the ache in my chest.
Seeking refuge under the covers with Tigger’s backbone pressed up against my side, I finally had a moment of reprieve. Spent from the sobs, thoughts began to form, I realized I now have something to say about grief that I didn’t know before:
The bottom will fall out at some point and you will be brought to your knees again, often when you least expect it. And it can (or will) feel even worse than the first time as you are already overtired and don’t have a lot of resources remaining even if you think you have been doing “pretty well”.
I struggle to write about this now. I find myself protecting my pain and not wanting to share. The depth of it has faded in the background again, it’s a constant hum now instead of the piercing sharpness. But that moment scared me as I starred into the face of something that could take me down. And at the same time, I walked through it. I didn’t act on the thoughts to hurt myself, to run far away. They remained only thoughts, that ultimately passed into exhaustion.
Like the one-dimensional photos that fail to deliver a true experience of essence, now my words seem to fall short. Just tell the truth, I think. The problem is that the truth shifts like the wind. A grief reaction like that tells us we won’t survive it and that’s what I believed in that moment. When I was in my 20’s (and earlier I am sure), I was absolutely positive I would not survive the death of my mother. I warned David of that in our early years. I will not. I cannot. I was sure of it. Now she is gone and a small part of me tucked deep down inside still believes that. Then I have the part of me that functions in the world, laughs with my friends, loves on my dogs, succeeds at work. Grief is confusing. The grief after the fire seemed less confusing. We lost our dream house, we were displaced, we searched for home—and still sometimes do—but it seemed there was a path to follow. Losing mom, I have lost the path.
I have stopped and started writing this story many times. I have written countless vignettes over the past almost 5 months that remain unfinished. None seem to capture, none seem to describe. They are too raw, too unedited, they all fall short. I am challenging myself to stay with this. As a writer, it’s what I am “supposed” to do and it was my lifeline after the fire. During that time, I turned to the page and let my grief pour out. I let it all be there, the messy, the dirty, the snot-filled rawness that I felt. In this grief journey, I haven’t done that. It’s felt too heavy, too much, too private even though unlike the fire, I realize I am part of a larger tribe of those who have lost parents.
Even in the devastation of the fire, I could see the poetic beauty. I knew the metaphors. The Phoenix rising from the ashes called me forward—and I heeded the call.
I don’t see the beauty in this loss. I don’t feel the magic. I don’t see metaphors. I don’t know where I am going in it. I am clear I will walk through, that it won’t always feel like this. I know that the moments when I want to forget are ok. I know that my “Portlandia” and “Califonication” binges are ok. That laughing with friends is ok. That my late night sweet snack is ok. That grabbing my dogs more tightly than usual is ok. That staying in bed on a sunny day is ok.
This morning, I sit in this place on our land where I have written so much. I sit in the morning sun, in the quiet. I have no answers right now. I dip into my grief again and feel the magnitude of it and don’t quite want to go there. I back off the edge and look around at the view. My eyes rest on mountains with small patches of snow, then quaking aspen leaves shimmering in the sun, then the stripe of a river far below.
Death is so final. So forever. We know this yet when it happens, we aren’t really prepared for it. Not really. My heart cracks open and I let sobs come. I allow myself stop and go into the ache that feels like it won’t end, ever. I long for my mom. To be able to hear her voice one more time on the other end of the phone, to touch her face. To have her tell me one more time how I am loved and tuck it away deep into my heart to hold forever.
As I commit these words to paper, I worry about being judged, of being reminded of just how good I have it, or of being misunderstood.
Yet I know there are hearts that beat like mine and as a writer, I know why we must write:
We write to know ourselves, to move through spaces and places and find a foothold as we go. We write to find our way home. We write to speak our truth and clarify it on the page. We write to find out why we are here—what our life has been about, why we stay and what we want next. We write to make sense of the nonsensical—life and ourselves. We write to find a place to stand that is firm in an ever-changing world. We write to find peace during the transitions and upheavals of life. We write to name the unnamable, describe the indescribable and give voice to what lies deep inside us. We write to celebrate and to mourn and everywhere in between. We write so others can find their own way through and know they are not alone, so they can read their own thoughts echoed back to them, those thoughts that they have kept to themselves and felt condemned to or isolated by. We write to unite our hearts with others on this crazy ride called life.
So I keep writing even though my fingers feel stiff. I heed the advice I give my clients: Write through the agony of getting words on the page, write past the judgment once those words appear. Write it all, then only later, go back and work with the words. Look at it from a distance and see if it says what you want. Then at some point, decide it is good enough. Step away. Call it complete. And then promise, declare, commit, swear that you will keep building that writing muscle that like a closed heart so easily atrophies and fades away.
Barb HartPosted at 20:36h, 13 August
Very well put, Kristen. I love reading your words about grief because I can relate to them so much. I feel your turmoil, exhaustion, frustration, and even wonder regarding your grief. Before I personally experienced it, I thought grief was a temporary stage one went through after losing a loved one. Now I know it’s so much more. Thanks so much for writing. Reading your words helps put me in touch with my own feelings. Love, Barb
Kristen MoellerPosted at 02:26h, 14 August
Thank you for sharing with me! THAT means a lot. It keeps me going and walking through. Love to you too.
Selina HobelmanPosted at 01:29h, 14 August
I felt your words deeply. I lost my uncle Nick Kristovich in February. I have an absent father and my uncle never had children. Strange as it sounds; he was my father and I was his daughter. I too have two messages on my home answering machine from him and I fear losing them. I feel the sorrow everyday.
My uncle Nick lived alone in Indiana and I’m currently in Huntsville, AL. He was sick and never told anyone. His death was sudden and horrific. I am unaware of the cause since there were no signs of foul play there was no autopsy. Myself and a cousin here were the only ones who could go there and take care of his belongings. The house he lived in was the house I grew up in (family home: from grandmother to my mother to my daughter now). It was ravaged over time and the night my uncle died. The scene was devistating to us. We had to empty the house in hopes of preventing it from becoming some sort of dilapidated flop house. This was also so saddening. Much of what he had was bachelor-worn and not salvageable and had to be thrown away. We had a dumpster delivered. All of these events haunt me and break my heart. I am still waiting for the pain to be bearable, my husband says it’ll happen in my own time.
I know my writing isn’t as terrific as yours but I just felt I wanted to share my loss with you since you’ve so generously shared your loss publicly.
On a sweet note he had a one and a half year old chihuahua which he adored and she now lives with me. Her cuddles help to ease my pain.
Sending comfort hugs from Alabama,
Kristen MoellerPosted at 02:29h, 14 August
I am very sorry for your loss. That is A LOT to deal with. Giving ourself space and time is crucial – and I forget that. Therapy has helped, the love of my friends had helped – and my dog is my saving grace :-). Glad you have one too. That is a gift!
sandy speedyPosted at 12:39h, 14 August
Kristen. I wish I could take away the raw anguish you have at these moments of time. I remember them well. I had two solid years of losing those closest to me and years before that my Mother. I can only tell you it gets better with time but those moments do creep in and steal your breathe and heart and once again the grief is there, though only for moments. I find comfort in the fact that these beloved beings shared so much with me and the memories never fade. They are with me always and when needed to comfort and I always tap in to the love and know I carry it with me until my last breathe. It’s not the same but i do find the joy in knowing they are always and forever with me.
Kristen MoellerPosted at 18:51h, 15 August
I think I will get to the “knowing she is with me” stage at some point but not quite yet… Love to you, Sandy. xoxoxoxo
Nancy DarlingPosted at 17:00h, 14 August
Yes. Mark had a wonderful voice and despite my best efforts I haven’t been able to find a single recording(there were some made by friends, church) of his speaking. Maybe it’s for the best I would probably start grieving all over if I heard him or saw a video.
Kristen MoellerPosted at 18:57h, 15 August
I remember that voice! Jerry thinks he has a VHS video from his final flight from Delta with mom. I’m crossing my fingers. And, yes, I will weep. Love to you.
GinaPosted at 18:47h, 14 August
Thank you Kristen for reminding me of just how blessed I am to have my Mummsy. Being the only daughter here is somewhat challenging at times. While we always joke that I will be her end of life caretaker, I would be greatful to do so. My sisters visit for a time and always leave. Going forward, I will be more mindful of your words and the time I choose to have with my Mummsy. Thank you again for giving me a reality check.
Kristen MoellerPosted at 18:56h, 15 August
You are welcome. It’s hard to remember to feel our gratitude all the time. I try to live like that too, and fall short, and then forgive myself (mostly). I am so glad I had that last visit with mom and some beautiful memories. Hugs to you.
Carrie McLaughlinPosted at 04:15h, 15 August
Oh yes, the grief curveball. Had quite a few of those in the last five years. I thought it would go away, but it has longer spaces between the hits in the gut. My son was a musician, composer, singer and I have quite a bit of his music with his voice. I notice what I miss the most is his laughter, which was so contagious and kept everyone in stitches. Our family is lucky to have his son, who is so much like his dad. Thank you for your willingness to keep writing through the pain and tears. It makes a difference for those who read your thoughts.
Kristen MoellerPosted at 18:54h, 15 August
Thank you Carrie. Losing a child is SO not how it’s supposed to go. Sending you lots of love – and appreciation for your reaching out to me.
Sandy GolnciPosted at 20:30h, 18 August
Dear Kirsten, your words make such a difference for so many of us. My Mother died at 59 years old and I was 34 years old. I was at a total loss because I thought I’d have her for many years more. I’ve found solace in our daughters who love and appreciate our relationship and spend such special times with me. They have helped me go on and to heal the loss of my mother. They listen as I share her with them and I feel her presence. She has never left me….only her physical presence. She is still a guide and mentor for me..hopefully all the days of my life. thank you for letting me share her….that is your gift to me, Kristen. xxxxS
Sandy MyersPosted at 03:40h, 21 August
I just lost my mom July 25th and I go from grief, to numbness, to not believing she is really gone, to just getting thru the day. I am so sorry you lost your messages as I have many that I listen to and they do help me feel close to her. thank you for the honest story, I need to write mine down but can’t start it yet.
May you find peace of mind.
Martha RunnettePosted at 04:11h, 30 August
You are where you are, and you are nowhere else but where you are. Thank you for continuing to write *and share* your writing. Sending you lots of love and big hugs. ❤️❤️