This morning, my spinning mind won’t let me go back to sleep. Emerging pattern: 3am, I have to pee, then I toss and turn until 5am and get up… No thank you. The fear won't release it's grip. Fear that I won’t fit back in to my life – I won’t. Fear that people’s support will dry up – it will. Fear of being alone – we all are alone. Yes, we all are connected, but we all are ultimately alone. It’s PMS time, so my feelings are deeper and more raw. I always have a little of this during my time of the month. I become over sensitive, hyper reactive, thin-skinned and more fun things.
The world is moving on. It has to. Our world is moving, but just not “on” yet. After May 12th, we don’t know where we will be staying. We have been living in luxury through the generosity of our dear friends Lynn and Laurie who offered their majestic log home. We have had the much much much needed space to ourselves. So many thoughtful people offered rooms – and we deeply appreciate all offers – however having our own space is essential for our healing. Not having to make polite – or not so polite – conversation with generous hosts is important. Here, we don’t have to talk to anyone. We can leave dishes in the sink, walk around naked and fart when we feel like it. All very important things. For people who have lost everything, we sure can make a mess. The 6-person dining room table is command central. It is caked with stacks of notebooks for inventory, piles of new receipts as we buy groceries and replace some essential housewares (like a new French press!), as well as cards of love sent from near and far and gift certificates sent to support us our replacement efforts. It’s hard to find a place to sit down.
20 April, 2012 / 8 Comments