I love the comments I received from yesterday’s blog.  They came from near and far and brightened my heart this morning.  I awoke – and fell asleep last night – in a dark place.  I am more tired than I have ever been in my life.  “Tired” has been my M.O. for much of my life.  It is my shield against the world, my response to “how are you doing?” and a catch-all for many conflicting emotions.  This is a whole new level of tired.  My muscles ache as I walk up hills, my face feels heavy and full, I am short of breath.  Charming, huh?
Yesterday, we made final trash piles on our land to prepare for the bulldozers next week so we can take the next step of moving our trailer to the site to live “at home”.  I love this plan – and I hope it works.  Those dang dogs decided to range while we were cleaning up.  Thinking they had merely passed from sight over a nearby ridge, I began calling them, gently at first.  Given we now have no trees, I was able to spot them way too far in the distance.  Now screaming their names into their selectively deaf ears, I had to hike across acres of blackness to get near them.  Of course, by the time I got to where I had initially seen them, they had moved even further.  I finally was able to waken them from their fantasy of escape and hauled them back to the car.  They were coated in ash, wearing black soot socks and zebra stripes across their bodies.  Just how will we deal with the mess in our trailer, I ponder. 
04 May, 2012 /
After smiling the day before, I hoped yesterday would be filled with smiles as well.  Not so much.  The day started out well.  We were invited to dear friends for breakfast and then planned to go to our 12-Step meeting.  Somewhere in that lovely plan, things went awry.
When we think about our future, some of the planning is fun, up to a certain point.  Then one of the many roadblocks comes into view and everything quickly seems dismal.  Given the large amount of unknowns regarding where we are in the process with our insurance company, what our final options may be, or even where we want to be, nothingis certain.  And, due to the instability and upheaval of the last month, it is relatively easy to come unhinged.  Yesterday David said, “We are held together right now by bailing wire and chewing gum”.
30 April, 2012 /
What would we do without our dogs?  Seriously.  My dogs keep me sane – along with all of you who read my blog J.  Ever since the fire, my back has been wrecked.  I have had massages, chiropractic treatments, begun walking again, stretch daily, hot tub regularly… Yesterday morning, after yoga and stretching, I bent slightly and it tweaked.  I fell to the floor sobbing.  Seriously.  The emotional pain is heavy enough – do we really need to add physical pain too?  Today I am seeing DJ at Evergreen Center for Therapeutic Massage, a practitioner who helped Steve Wilson get back to normal after his back injury.  Hoping, hoping, hoping.  It’s my sacrum – and whatever it is down there, it is holding on for dear life!  Shit howdy.  It gives me even more compassion for chronic pain sufferers like my dear husband and my father who have dealt with back pain for years. Back pain gives a sense of instability.  I can’t count on my core to hold me.  I can’t stand up straight.  The pain is sharp and stabbing.  I feel older than my years as I hobble around… Hmmm.  So glad there are no metaphorical or metaphysical connections there!
17 April, 2012 /