Friendship. Kindness. Love. Connection. These are the things that get us through. Moments of contact with another human being; the willingness to stop for a moment and be with each other without agenda; snuggling on a couch; walking holding hands; a random phone from a busy concert just to check in. These make my world go round in the best way. The chaotic spin shifts to normal rotation. My head stays glued to my neck versus flying off into space. My soul is fed versus slinking away to die.
Monday I went to Boulder to see Linda my dear friend from Florida whom I have known since 1990. Linda has been there thick and thin through many stages of life. And, even more importantly she loves my dogs as her own and made frequent trips to Colorado to house and dog sit when we traveled, sometimes not even seeing me. This is the first trip she had to stay elsewhere. We met in Boulder to do our usual routine of consignment store shopping, strolling and talking. I was particularly grumpy, sure at this point that a wicked case of PMS, that robs me of the ability to see or experience anything good, has become my new monthly visitor. Angsty, coming out of my skin and seriously not wanting to be around people and after a hellacious headache socked in at 10am, I began finding excuses not to make the trip to Boulder. Not only was it Linda’s last day, but I had suggested the dinner with my other Abundance circle sisters. Denise was driving from Denver and Shaya was making the vittles. Committed not to back out on my friends, I drove on. My funk took a while to lift but somewhere in the Whole Foods gourmet aisle after tasting a wafer cracker with mint jalapeño pesto, the clouds lifted. Yes, my blood sugar has been whacked – but this small sampling couldn’t have completely fixed this issue. Was it magic? Was it Boulder which is as they say “between reality and the mountains”? Suddenly, I could be with my friends. Still considered a “flight risk”, I buddied up until we arrived safely at Shaya’s where we spread out the food, sampled delicacies and I sprawled on the couch in my favorite position.
Then the phone call began. Each week, we gather together in a group to discuss the concept of abundance. Not to be bought off by merely talking about the spiritual aspects of abundance, we talk about cold hard cash and our relationship to it. We talk about desire vs want, commitment to our dreams and our vision in life, our messed up relationship with money, what we learned from our parents, societal messages about money and every possible iteration of this topic. It never gets old, and it does get confronting. Mostly we gather on the phone and on some special occasions we meet in person to break bread as we break ties with old limiting beliefs around money and abundance. These women, many unknown before beginning the call, have become some of my dearest friends. We pick up where we left off each time and experience a deep level of community. After the call, Birgit, Helen and Laurie joined us for a bit and we reveled outside in the Colorado air momentarily cool and clear after drought then monsoon.
On the drive back, I wondered how I could have wanted to get out of this visit. Moods are funny. They seem to be the truth in a moment of passion or despair. Mostly, I have learned not to trust my moods to determine my actions. If I did, truly, I would not do anything. At all. Nothing. Nadda. Most of the time, I don’t want to get out of my pajamas. I want to be comfortable both physically and emotionally. I want quiet. I don’t want to stretch or do anything that scares me. What I have chosen is a life full of things that challenge me. As you know, I said yes AGAIN to performing a stand up routine on July 24th. ARRRRRG my system cries. ARRRRRGGGGGGG! I don’t wanna!!!!!!! ARGGGGHHH.
Next week, I head out to Orange County to speak at Inside Edge which is a quite an honor as the lineup of previous speakers is impressive and the board of directors is full of leaders in new thought movement – Jack, Rev Michael Beckwith, Wayne Dyer to name a few. This is where I was headed on March 27th but we know what I did instead… They were kind to reschedule after the last minute cancellation so off to CA I go next week. This time, I fly out a day early and hope that no disaster strikes to thwart my appearance. Am I nervous? Well, yes. But not like before. Not like I might have been at one point in my life. There is still a part of me that wants to say I am terrified. It wants that to be the answer to how I feel about the stand up routine and everything else I do that scares me in my life. And, I don’t take any of it lightly. I will always experience some sort of nervousness but I have learned that I actually can do it. Recently, before being interviewed on Fox News, I wondered how I would be cameras rolling sitting next to the anchors. Nervous yes, in terror no.
How do we reconcile these parts of ourselves that are in screaming contradiction to each other? The terrified child is still alive and well and probably always will be. The “I don’t wanna, I can’t, I won’t, no way no how” part let’s me know that not much is a good idea. And, still the part that says “yes” just keeps saying yes even though the wail of “noooooooooo” is hard to miss. I am quite happy for you if you can leave your screaming banshees behind. Apparently that is not to be my path in life. My banshees go with me. They are more like little pygmies when I bring them out in the light – a troop of savages who make quite a ruckus but turn out to be 3 inches tall with spears that couldn’t puncture a water balloon. I am actually safe from their antics but this is not how it seems at certain moments.
These are the moments where they cloud all my vision and I can’t see or hear anything like on Monday when I merely pointed my car in the direction of Boulder and kept my promise to be there. Point and drive – sometimes that is as good as it gets. Just don’t point and drive over any cliffs. Fortunately there were no cliffs on my route and I stayed nicely to my side of the road. My friends give me space to be and I do the same for them. No one tried to fix me. They offered love, hugs and deep penetrating looks into the depths of my soul. No “at least” statements were offered. No view of the grand scheme where all makes sense in the end. No painting rosy pictures. We just were together.
In honor of the solidarity of the circle of women who gather together, some of whom were present and others who checked in by phone, I celebrate you as the goddesses you are. Thanks for being a big fat YES to life and it’s wild, crazy, wacky roller coaster ride. Thanks for not hiding in the underbrush and letting your banshees take you out. Thank you for loving big and messy.
Thank you to circles of women everywhere who gather together to love and play.