The space between what’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you
The space between your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time…
– Dave Matthews
It’s the little things. Like a new plastic folding table that can tuck away
and serves as a place for my coffee cup in the morning. My routine is to sit on my bed and write until the sun shines too brightly through my window and then I move to David’s. Where to put the coffee mug has been a big concern. The floor, too low. The bed, too unstable. Can’t hold it and type. Problem solved for $10.99. And, we have now disposed of the second mouse that was bold enough to run past me twice last night. Sharing this small space with two big dogs and another human is quite enough. Sharing with small furry rodents who poop on my stuff and make nests out of my precious snuggly things, not gonna happen.
Read MoreLast night one of our dear friends lost his beloved dog. After hearing the news that she was sick, I could think of not much else. She was showing symptoms of poisoning, the same reactions a rat would have when we are trying to get rid of it, her organs shutting down, bleeding internally. Rather than put her down as the first doctor suggested, Frank was determined to do everything he could for her. Even a blood transfusion couldn’t save her. She died last night.
I am stunned by the level of tragedy in our small community. Yes, I realize, it is happening everywhere, all the time. There have been times before where it seems devastating things are occuring all over our close circles. I have had mine, you have had yours. But these early months of 2012 have been exceptionally full. I read callous comments after the fire, that we mountain people should expect such things. Blah blah blah. I wrote about that already. Yes, we
all know that to love is to risk having our heart broken in so many pieces that we may never pick them all up. Right now, for Frank, I would imagine there are no words that will actually help. What I can offer is to be there in the pain and with the pain. We will tell him we aren’t going anywhere. We love him. It beyond sucks. Life isn’t fair. In walking through our fire, knowing that people can be in the shadows with us has made the biggest difference.
Read MoreWhat would life be like without our people? Not worth it. My people include my furry people that keep us laughing with their antics. The main benefit to having my own bed in Flame is that Tigger sleeps with me. I have explained to him that it is an open invitation as he is such a good sleeper, curling at my feet and staying put. I can’t make too much of a ruckus about it as Roscoe is not a good sleeper and if I boisterously invite Tigger then Roscoe will jump up too. Roscoe likes to sprawl and twitches all night. Tigger is still. Often, Tigger starts on his dog bed (yes, we cracked the code) then ends up with me. I take great comfort in his warmth on my toes. David is a no dogs on the bed fella. My bed is now my domain. David and I snuggle across the narrow aisle – and yes, twin beds will not be forever once we build our tiny tiny house.
I have the first part of the day at home and am quite happy about that. I am now officially behind on two writing projects. I haven’t worked on my Intro again since last week. It only needs a few tweaks and then I will send it in for review. And, I have another project which is waking me in the night and infiltrating my sleep… I said “yes” to a workshop Kristina Hall is running where 8 other women and I will each have our own mini-version of a one-woman show in the form of 7 minutes at the microphone in a real venue. Oh my goodness what ever had me say yes? What I haven’t mentioned yet, is it’s a comedy show. Eeeeeegads. Kristina is a brilliant professional comic with over 17 years experience in front of live audiences all over the world and on TV. She is pretty much the funniest person I have ever known. I have seen her perform live dozens of times and never ever get tired of her material. Recently, I interviewed her on my radio show and we talked about her life as a comic and a writer as well as her mission to allow other women to be free in our expression on stage. Thus the workshop – and at a time in my life where I am breaking through even more barriers – thus my call to say “yes”. The caveat for the show and the course – authentic material only. We take the issues of our lives and bring it all to the stage. We also are learning the structure of a joke and that’s where my blood runs cold. If you have been reading for a while, you know I bring in my own brand of humor. I am good at this off-the-cuff stuff in both my writing and speaking. But crafting it, then remembering it to present it? Oh my. It seems the moment I put pen to paper all funny eludes me.
Read MoreSo baby, in between
Notice the blue skies
Notice the butterflies
Stop and smell the flowers
And lose it
In the sweet music
And dance with me
Cause there is beauty in the world
So much beauty in the world
Always beauty in the world
Macy Gray
Coffee in bed is the best. I wait patiently, or not so patiently, for my husband to make the coffee before I get out of bed. It was chilly in here mid-way through the night but we snuggled under layers of blankets and now that the sun is shining, it’s warming up. I don’t think I could live without coffee. I am not willing to try. I don’t have any other vices so this one stays. Our best “upgrade” since the fire is our jumbo size French press. To make “enough” coffee pre-fire, we had to brew two pots simultaneously. Now, this plump pot does the trick. Although normally one cup does the trick for me, this morning my lovely husband gives me an extra treat of a breve latte out of his little espresso machine. Ahhhhhh. Coffee makes life tolerable and beautiful.
Before putting fingers to keyboard, I glanced at MSN where I often check in to make sure the world has not ended. We are a no TV and no Newspaper family so the Internet is the only way to make sure that Armageddon has not occurred. It seemed that it was occurring yesterday with the thick smoke from distant fires that clogged even the air in Denver as well as the swirling ash the wind kicked up at our place. This morning David wiped the counters revealing blackened paper towels reminding us of the floating hazards in the air. Fire and brimstone. Hmmm. Armageddon approacheth?
Read MoreSewing machine, telescope, Kleenex box holders, Cuisinart… these things run through my mind as I am trying to return to REM this morning. The dreaded inventory list, still not complete and always looming. I stunned another naive insured person yesterday by explaining what the inventory process is really like. Most people have no idea. I didn’t. Listing everything you owned down to the minutia in order to get a fraction of it back from your “insurance” is a painstaking process. Interestingly, David awoke with a similar list. We haven’t sat down to do inventory together lately. The clock is ticking. Things are popping into our heads, and some may disappear forever into the folds of grey matter that we limited humans still can’t access. It’s time to get this sucker done. Operation Inundation must proceed – and complete – soon. It drains are beleaguered energy banks. I still pant as I walk up small hills, but my psychological energy is replenishing. Until, that is, something happens…
The recent ‘happening’ was a trip to the bank carrying a large check meant to represent “our structure”. As you faithful readers know, this number has been grossly underestimated (and that’s a whole ‘nother story). So into my bank I go, pleased to have received this check from the insurance company and ready to have some financial breathing room for our near future. The bank had other ideas. Even though we continue paying our mortgage, the bank wants to keep the money and dole it out at their pre-determined milestones along the way. To add salt to the wound, this would tie up other monies that are coupled with that large check including our “outbuilding fund” to replace sheds and our “tree fund” for the meager attempt to rehab some of our trees which really means chop them down and haul them away. In that moment, I could not engage in the one-sided proclamation that was heading my way. I was beyond furious. The sympathetic banker who was the deliverer of the bad news glanced at me kindly. I steamed out of there calling my attorney as I fled.
Read MoreIn the last few days, my shitter overflowed, then clogged, then clogged again. I ran out of propane while cooking a burger, ran out of gas in the generator which then kills the internet, spilled gas everywhere trying to re-fill the tank. The dogs are filthy, there is dirt everywhere and I discovered that a very large rodent is living with us. And, then last night, just as I was ready take a hot birdbath and finally get clean, the water ran out…. and I still say I LOVE living in Flame.
Flame is my home. I may be an adventurer, but I seek the comfort of home. Last night I stayed at Jessica’s and woke this morning to the faces (and noises) of her sweet girls. I played kiss the chubby hands with Chloe something I was inspired to do, then the commands came sharply from her, “do it again, do it again, do it again.” I obey an obligatory order when I hear it and salute her demanding Aries nature. Cassidy loves Roscoe and giggles as he leans his weight against her in her Snow White dress. I am doing my heaps of laundry here today, taking a stand up shower (that’s right!) and after my therapy session in downtown Evergreen, I will return to host my radio show on Jessica’s reliable Internet.
Read MoreMornings are my favorite. When I write, that is. What began as my first blog entry on April 5thhas now become my most reliable practice of self-soothing. Mind you, I don’t always feel soothed to write some of the angsty things I have shared but getting it out of the old squirrel cage and onto “paper” is definitely therapeutic. Some of my overall darkest days have been those when I haven’t written. Hmmmm. Doctor, do we see a pattern here? Typically entire days don’t occur as dark. As I shared, Monday wasn’t so bright. Mostly I am “good” in the morning. I like hearing the birds, I love sitting on my bed in Flame with my Mac serving as a portable heater warming my lap in the brisk morning air. The dogs are outside playing. We still have this dirt thing but in the morning I am not so daunted. It’s just what is so. We have acres and acres of dirt and soot and the dogs will get coated with it and we will have piles of towels to wash with no laundry facility in site. Just don’t ask me about the dirt at the end of the day…
Mostly, mid-day’s are good too. The sun shines, or it rains or the wind blows – which I must say is still a bit disturbing and these delicate plexiglass windows in Flame don’t seem like they can stand too much in the way of excessive stress and strain so I batten down the hatches and ride it out. But days are good. It’s when I start getting tired at the end of the day or whenever my mind says is the end of the day. I began getting hoarse around 5:30pm last evening and still had two groups of fabulous authors to support. I could hear the flatness in my voice, feel the fatigue in my system and just wanted to go to bed. My peeps inspired me by their perseverance and commitment to their own writing so I had just enough gas to be with them on the calls. Coaching authors is like the proverbial “you can lead a horse to water…” I can’t make them write. Yet, write, they are. They are engaged, finding their own voices and expressions – and they are sticking with the process. It is remarkable. They are remarkable.
Read MoreNew goals should be clearly set and worked toward, as this is the beginning of a nine-year cycle. It is best not to dwell on the past at this time. This will be fairly easy for you to do because most of the problems and disappointments of the past will tend to disappear, leaving the way open for these new challenges. This is a great time; use it to its full advantage! It holds the promise of an exciting new adventure, with life taking on new challenges that pave the way for the next cycle of nine years in your life. This is a time to clarify your goals and to act on them. Hard work may be necessary to get a new venture moving.
From a reading, describing the end of 2011 and what’s to come… Hmmmm. An exciting new adventure. Yes, I can see that. New challenges, check! Clarifying my goals. Yes. Hard work. Fer shure.
Most of the problems and disappointments from the past have disappeared – in a fiery maelstrom. So, yes, it’s true, I am not dwelling on
thosethings. Don’t even remember what they were. And, most days, I am doing “well”. And then there are those moments… You know “those” moments? The ones that take you to your knees, that leave you unsure if you will crack open on the spot and not “crack open” in the seemingly good way but in the way where your psyche may actually fold in on itself and you may just die right there? Those moments. I danced on the verge of a few of these moments yesterday.
Read MoreIn this moment, I am forced to experience gratitude. Forced you say? How does that work? Well, lemme tell you. Yesterday, we had a visitor. Previously a stranger, John was the deliverer of joy. Joy came in the form of a community rallying around me – and us – by creating a gift so lovely and heart-filled that I can be nothing but grateful this morning even as I sit with cramps and fatigue that makes my eyes feel squinty.
The weekend after the fire, I was supposed to be with my community of healing professionals at a training program created by Jesse and Sharla Jacobs of Rejuvenate Training.
Jesse and Sharla have dedicated their life work to empowering and teaching holistic practitioners and coaches a heart-centered way of marketing themselves as us healing types are often not so business savvy.
In fact, we prefer to give our services away out of love and due to the fact that we are expressing our passion.
That should be free, right?
Charge what we are worth, what???
How can you put a price on love?
Read MorePTSD is alive and well and living in the suburbs. On my way to our in-town mailbox, I spotted a smoke cloud. My mind tried to make sense of it. Was it merely clouds as there were many filling the sky? Was it my imagination? As I got closer, ironically I was leaving a message for Joleen my savior. Once again I said “fuck”, and hung up mid-message. I called 911, and they said the now ominous response, “crews are on the scene.” Pushing further, panic building, I inquired, “Is it a house fire or a wild fire?” The operator was kind and responded, “It’s a lightening strike”. Tears now coming, I explained, “I just lost my house in a fire, seeing smoke freaks me out.” Some kind response came back and we said goodbye. The fear rose quickly to the surface. Not again. Not here. Not now. I realize there are fires burning elsewhere in Colorado and around the country. There will certainly be even more this summer. Yet, this close to home feels especially threatening. Not here, please. Please whoever you are up there in the sky or in the molecules or flitting on the wings of fairies or in our hearts. Please whoever and wherever you are. Please.
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